Come with me on a magical journey to the distant past. It’s 2011, the year of colored denim. Skyrim just released for the first, and surely only, time. NASA’s Juno is heading to Jupiter. All while we make fun of a woman for crying about cats in an eHarmony video. Well, most of us. I wasn’t laughing. Over a decade later, it’s finally time to admit that I, too, love cats; I love every kind of cat.
It’s 2022 and it’s a normal morning: I’m weeping because my cat has tiny feet despite the fact it’s impossible for his feet to be so tiny. I hear you can pet the cats in Ghostwire: Tokyo. Say no more, Tango Gameworks, here is my money. While others play a horror-adventure of magic, demons, and repetitive RPG elements, I’m playing the game as it was intended: Pokemon Snap with cats!
I made it my mission to audibly say hello to as many cats as possible. To give them a safe, non-judgmental environment in I rate them on a scale of 1-to-10. I named them, so they know we’re one big family. Shut up, I don’t have a problem! To show you all my furry friends would take forever – as the 17 GB of media on my PS5 can attest – so let me introduce you to a few of my favorites.
Furdinand is having a time. Is it good? Is it bad? Nobody really knows. There’s no way of telling what’s happening behind that wall. Is Furdinand very tall? Perhaps he’s just one of seven cats in a trench coat or he’s expertly riding a llama in a tight circle. The possibilities are endless. Quantum mechanics tells us that if we can’t say for certain what is happening at a point in time and space, then every possible outcome is happening at once. That’s a lot for Furdinand to deal with. No wonder you look so alarmed, Furdinand!
10/10 – Best science teacher I’ve ever had.
Margaret has appointed herself the queen of the vending machine. If you wish to request an audience with her, you may do so through her minion. Said minion is a little uncooperative, however. He’s very friendly to trespassers – human or demonic. He doesn’t guard so much as beg for attention. As a result, Margaret’s vending machine isn’t as full as it should be. It’s frustrating, but Margaret is magnanimous enough to not say anything. She just glowers from her fizzy drink throne and hopes for the best.
10/10 – Excellent leadership credentials.
Terry is a laid-back entrepreneur. A wheeler-dealer with a fondness for silk kimonos and a disarming smile. It doesn’t matter that his shop is messy; Terry is a shopkeep who cares more about the quality of the product than a neat countertop. You know what that means? It means he cares about the customer. You’re worried that box shouldn’t be able to balance like that? Terry is manspreading in a cloud of magic dust, the physical properties of a plastic crate should be the least of your worries.
10/10 – Will sell you food and make you believe in magic.
There is no cat in this image. Take in the gray and gloomy day captured in this cityscape photograph. Doesn’t Tokyo look pretty in the rain? Please stop claiming you see a cat; you are mistaken. Look, if there is a cat in this picture (and no one is admitting that is the case) then that cat is expertly hidden. Okay, let’s entertain for a second that you’re right – that hypothetically there is a cat hidden in this image. That cat would have to be some kind of espionage master. Invisible to the human eye: cat super-spy.
10/10 – This is just a picture of a wall.
Merubo doesn’t care that the humans have disappeared. Have you seen all these boxes they left behind? So maybe the packs of headless demonic entities are stalking the streets and stealing souls, so what? Merubo has no time for that. They’re just taking “If I fits, I sits” to its logical extreme and having the time of their life. Now there’s no one around to complain when their white coat gets dirty, no stupid baths, or diets. They can just enjoy cardboard boxes like anyone would in this situation.
10/10 – You do you, Merubo!
Silence! You are in the presence of a predator. I bet you can’t even see her, so expertly has she camouflaged herself behind a bush. It doesn’t matter that you can sneak up behind her and give her scritches. She meant for that to happen. If she wanted to kill you, you’d already be dead. The game lets you pick her up and put her in your pocket. You’re so lucky: the ultimate pocket protector. It also suggests she’s not what you’re looking for, but that’s nonsense – she’s perfect.
10/10 – Ginger cats are the best cats.
Ms. Tallulah Meowshington and Alan
Tallulah and her husband, Alan, have transcended the petty squabbles of demon-infested Tokyo. They are king and queen in their domain: this well-lit public toilet. What’s that? I’m sorry, they can’t hear you from all the way up there, pleb. If you want them to hear your petitions, bring some tuna next time. Come, fellow cats, assemble and acclaim your new rulers. If you need to use the facilities, do that beforehand. We don’t have anyone to clean up messes, and Tallulah and Alan certainly aren’t going to do it.
10/10 – Simply majestic.
Salt, Pepper, and Cinnamon
Salt, Pepper, and Cinnamon are three flavorful best buddies, living together in Tokyo’s box paradise. They’ve got everything they could possibly need: Piles of tuna, the gentle sound of the river, a box fort, and generic manga with a warm light to read by. They even have an umbrella in case it rains. Given how inaccessible housing is across the world right now, and that the price of real estate in Tokyo is at an all-time high, this set-up isn’t looking too bad. Smart investment, guys!
10/10 – In a demon apocalypse and apocaloving it!
Winston needs you to stop judging him. Your laws of physics mean nothing here, human! How dare you suggest he’s the wrong way up? He’s precisely where he means to be. Winston sits on walls like this to assert his dominance and you’re just too frightened to admit it. Face it, this is Winston’s world and we’re all just sideways losers living in it. Enjoy walking on the pavement, nerd! Winston is just your friendly neighborhood wallcat. Is that what you’ve settled on, Winston? Okay, not going to argue with you.
10/10 – Definitely not stuck.
Bodhi lives in a magical painting in your mind. They’re inter-dimensional and a work of art at the same time. Now that’s performing at peak levels. Have you managed to be either of those things? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Bodhi’s achieved more in these few seconds than you will in a lifetime. Wait, before you go: Bodhi asks if you could place a picture of a can of tuna next to them? Being such a perfect specimen is actually really hard work and Bodhi needs to refuel.
10/10 – Paint me like one of your French inter-dimensional cats.
Open to Suggestions
What do you name something that has won your heart so emphatically? He’s a weird looking cat. He’s got nice coloring, though. Reminds me of cow cats, you know the black and white ones that look a bit like cows? That’s the good stuff, right there. He lives in a pile of rubbish, but that’s okay; we still love him. We all live in a pile of rubbish at some point (even if, for some of us, that’s just a metaphor… or spending too much time on Twitter). I just want to take him home and give him a warm bath. Big hugs, ugly garbage cat. Keep living your best life.
10/10 – We love all cats, no matter their shape or size.